Torn

I'm not sure how to explain what is going on inside me. I was crushed when Esna told me he had another. I won't lie about that. How I could find someone again and so quickly baffles me a bit. I am still a bit on edge, but it does feel right in some ways. I haven't been treated like this before. So gentle and so respected. I'm used to being taken, used, and thrown aside.

We walked in the gardens next to The Broken Piano. We kissed under the stars. It was like a dream.

I worry I'm letting myself get attached too quickly. The wall is still up, but I can feel it crumbling. I hope I do not get hurt this time.

One Year Later

Coming back to these logs feels like I'm coming back to an old friend. Last I updated, Madeleine had just been born. Now, she is one year old. I have reconnected with my mother and sisters. Madeleine is fully enjoying her time with her cousins. I have left her on Teonusude with my family as I am working for my mother now and it just is not safe for her to travel the cluster with me anymore.

I withdrew from most of my friends and acquaintances for some time to focus on Madeleine. I was not surprised when one of them had moved on. I had hoped we would have a future together. Silly of me to assume he would wait for me. Of course I have been hurt before, but this pain was different than all the others. Different than the first time I was left alone and starving in a station. Again, I will overcome this pain as I have always done, but I do not know how long it will take.

Others have moved on as well. The Broken Piano is much quieter than it used to be. I miss the hustle and bustle of times passed.

I met a new friend as well. He seems very nice and I hope to have many more conversations with him in the future.

I have given myself a bit of a makeover. I feel that my old style was a bit too carefree. I am content with something more distinguished.

I hope to keep up these logs more diligently. Until next time then.

New Life, New Beginnings

It was not how I planned it really. I had anticipated a relaxing birth for my daughter, but as my past indicates, my life has never been relaxing or simple. It happened on what was to be a rather mundane trip to visit a friend. All of a sudden, I found myself under attack. Not prepared for such an assault, I did my best to get away intact and ended up docking at a station just in time. The workers found me, unconscious and battered, and took me away to a nearby medic. What I am told happened next is nothing short of miraculous. Upon discovering I was pregnant, the medic checked the baby and found that she was in distress. He was able to perform the operation that saved her life just in time. I was so thankful for his quick actions that saved my baby girl. I spent the next two weeks recovering from my attack, wondering all along who would do such a thing to an unarmed ship. I never found out any more details.


However, all of that pales in comparision to the joy I feel at having this little life in my world. Perfect in every way and mine to care for and protect.

Lost again, but found

I have been spending much time on my own. I used the excuse of going to look over the estates given to me by Ithiria. They are quite lovely and will make a nice home for my daughter and myself. It seems the time is drawing ever closer to her birth. I returned to civilization as you might call it, some time ago, but have remained quiet and observant. A few have asked where I have been and I have been honest with them. Only time will tell where my life goes from here.

My Heart Grows Cold

 I'm sitting in The Broken Piano. Again, I find solace in my writings.

Once I dared to feel
The joy of true love's embrace.
I gave my heart freely
Without restraint.
Now I find that I am left
Again, that embrace was torn away.
I cannot cry.
I must be strong.
If not for myself.
Then for her.

Old as she is, she still misses her daddy sometimes....

I spoke about my father today. First time in ages I have done so. I was sitting with Sakura Imoru in The Broken Piano and he came up in conversation while we were speaking of our children. I remember my father so clearly. He wasn't a tall man, but he was strong. I remember waiting patiently for him to come home from work at the treasury. I would run to him as soon as he came in the door and he would lift me high in the air and say, "Was my little Las good today?" I would nod and assure him I was, even if I hadn't been. He would show me star charts and tell me about the systems.

One night, when I was ten, he didn't come home. I waited and waited. My mother grew worried. She contacted the authorities who said they could do nothing at this time. My sisters and I were sent to bed. Late that night, I heard my mother sobbing. I crept to my room door. My uncle was there, which was strange. I heard him say, "There was nothing that could be done." I burst out of my room and everyone stopped and looked at me. My uncle knelt down in front of me, "He's gone." I remember shaking my head and telling him it was a lie. My mother grabbed my shoulders and shook me, "Your father is dead!" I remember my whole body going numb and the world going dark.

I spent the next few days in a haze. No one would tell me what happened. Finally, when I'd asked my mother for what seemed like the hundredth time what had happened, she slapped me. I withdrew into myself.

I do not think I would have left had my father not died. To this day, I do not know what happened. Perhaps someday I'll have the courage to investigate further. Until then, I'll keep the memories I have of him, smiling and laughing.

Finding my place

Who would have thought I would find everything I needed through my work as a diplomat and a recruiter for Requiem? I continue to be amazed at the people I meet. I have found myself staying at The Broken Piano of late. Well, I suppose because I'm with child, it seems to be a relatively safe place for the moment, despite being in null sec space and it seems to be a lucky place on top of that.

I suppose I should explain how I got pregnant. It was not an intentional action. I was in The Broken Piano one evening when I fight broke out between two women and a man. Apparently, the man had tried to force himself on one of the women and they were getting their revenge. I was standing with Literia when the fight broke out. A Caldari man named Sonir Lestat came over and put his arm around me, joking about protecting me. Vince came in at that moment and stood with Literia. Being my natural flirty self, I cuddled into the man. We ended up going away after the fight and well, ooops! I told him about two weeks later that I was pregnant and he seemed to take it rather well. When I found out the baby was a girl, he hurried to the Piano after a rather blatant note sent by Vince. He told me he wanted to remain with me and I accepted, finding some strange connection with him. Sonir is often away on business, but I have plenty of friends to keep me company.

I am not quite sure about this settling down bit. I do like him very much, but he was speaking to me about settling down somewhere to raise our child. That pull of adventure still tugs at my heart. I want to bring our child along for that, but at the same time, I do not want to put them in danger. Blast this conflicting heart of mine! I suppose I will take some time to think about it all. I do have eight months after all!

By the way, dear log, I am to have a baby girl and her name will be Madeleine.