Visiting

I'm sitting at William's estate, visiting with my sweet little girl, Madeleine. She is going on and on about how much fun she is having with William's children. She loves it here and wants to never leave. I smile because she's so happy. Since I took her from my mother's, she's been craving the company of other children.

She doesn't mention Norrin. I think my father spoke to her about it. I'm sure she misses him, but she's bounced back quickly with the new distractions. I hope I can find a place soon where we can live together in peace and comfort.

I should say more, but I still live in fear......

Late at night.....

I awake with the scream still in my throat. I curl into a ball, burying my face into the pillow. The tears come hot and fast as a pain rips through my heart. Flashbacks and memories. So much anguish. I'm haunted by visions of losing my son. Visions of my mother beating me, telling me it was all my fault. I'm shaking.

Soothing arms come around me, holding me close. My tears are wiped away and he tells me I'm safe. I come back to reality and slip back into a dreamless sleep wrapped in his arms.

Decisions

I pace the living room trying to decide what I should do. I have sent Madeleine away with my father until this evil man is caught, but I cannot protect Norrin. I'm not here all the time. He's too kind, too loving. He doesn't deserve this over his head. He needs someone with less baggage. I twirl my engagement ring around my finger before slowly slipping it off. I find a bit of paper and pen the words, "I'm sorry. I love you. Move on and be happy."

I place the note on the table with my engagement ring on top of it. Gathering a few things from upstairs, I quietly slip out. He'll be safe now.

My Little Boy

I'm awake in the middle of the night again with no comfort to be found. I don't know how I can continue to be strong without reverting back to my former self. I had hoped that life was left behind when I had Madeleine. I stopped carrying weapons and tried to maintain a low profile. I never bothered anyone and, for the most part, people never bothered me. I reinvented myself, drawing on all the skills my mother drilled into me as a child. Some of them I began to fully enjoy, like playing the piano and singing. I think it's because this time I could sing what I wanted. I had freedom.

He took that from me. Why couldn't he just let me be? I was nothing to him! The lack of motivation is what confuses me. Now, my body is empty. The little life that was once thriving has vanished in an instant. I ache to feel those little movements, only reserved for me. He will never run, play, laugh, or love. I will never nourish him at my breast or watch him grow. I cannot even cry. The numbness is all consuming.

I feel myself hardening against the world. A part of me wants to send Madeleine away to protect her. My father would take her in an instant. My tormentor still believes him to be dead. Maybe I will. She doesn't deserve this. I wonder if she would be better off...... And Norrin....my sweet, kind fiancé. He valiantly offered to hunt the man down that killed our child. I couldn't let him. He has never seen combat. Never seen what people like this are capable of....

I carry two weapons now. A blaster left to me by Eliza and my knife, a hidden gift from my father. My skills are rusty. I practice when I can, mostly in secret. If he touches me again, he will pay for it with his life.

Sleepless Nights *ENCRYPTED ENTRY*

These song lyrics play over and over in my head: "But tonight I'm gonna give in one last time
Rock you strong in these arms of mine
Forget all the regrets that are bound to follow
We're like fire and gasoline
I'm no good for you
You're no good for me
We only bring each other tears and sorrow
But tonight, I'm gonna love you like there's no tomorrow....."


I lay awake staring at the ceiling. I mutter to myself, "This won't do at all." I roll out of bed and wander outside to stare at the ocean waves crashing on the beach in the moonlight. My thoughts travel to places that they should not even dare to go. I run my hand over my now empty abdomen. Tears slowly slip down my cheeks. The pain is unbearable.

I want to run away from it all. Madeleine is safely away with my father. He asked to take her for a few days to bond more with her. I'm sure Norrin is out working, trying to forget everything that has happened. I'm left all alone.

I wander back into the moonlit living room, not bothering to turn on any lights. I find my datapad and run my fingers over it. Should I? No! I throw it on the couch and pace back and forth. I make my way to the window where my flower has slightly wilted over. I graze it with my fingertips and sigh. This cannot continue. I have to know. I scoop up my datapad and head back to the bedroom. I dress in my normal attire and shrug on my coat. I catch the first shuttle to The Broken Piano.

**********

I walk in, slightly wincing as I feel the pain from several bruises I got when I fell to the concrete shuttle bay floor. My throat still stings. The doctors assured me I would make a full recovery and would sing again. Thank the gods for that.

As always, there is William, standing behind the bar, sipping his cup of tea and observing everyone. I consider him a good friend and respect his opinion greatly. One look at my neck and he's questioning me on what has happened, requesting I take a personal security drone from now on. He asks the name of the man who did this to me. I refuse to tell him, but promise that I will think about it. This answer seems to satisfy him. Still, his eyes maintain that knowing look. I request to speak with him privately and we talk of life and love. He reveals his recent observations to me and I neither confirm nor deny anything. I question him about Norrin's hasty departure two nights ago and he shrugs and gives me more cryptic answers about him not liking what he was implying. I can understand that. Not everyone gets William's type of philosophy on life.

He offers me a bottle of wine as a gift. To share with friends or family, he says. More cryptic words. He knows exactly who pops into my mind first. I thank him and we leave his office, heading back out to the bar. I send off a quick message and the reply comes instantly. I glance up at William, standing there with his all knowing looks. I murmur something about having to go and he nods. I exit the bar and head off to the unknown.

I Feel Him There

As I walk from The Broken Piano to the shuttle bay, I am met with an eerie feeling. Someone is there. He has found me again. I speed up my pace but it is too late. He moves swiftly, grabbing me by the throat. I struggle in vain.

He pulls a knife, "You should have been more careful, Lasairiona. I may not have managed to kill your last brat, but I will kill this one." I gasp as I recognize the voice. It's useless to plead. His eyes are hard. His mind determined, "Precocious little slut."

My world is spinning. I can feel myself losing consciousness. I'm cursing myself and trying to fight. I dig my nails into his hand as hard as I can. He yelps and I fall to the floor.

There is one thought on my mind. Run! I stumble to my feet. I hear a loud crack and a burning pain erupts over my back. No, stupid girl! Run! RUN! I ignore the pain and dive into a shuttle. The operator stares in horror and shouts, "SECURITY!" My abdomen contracts and I sob, "No!" The world fades to black.

I wake up in bed at home. My father asleep by my bedside. Everything hurts. I moan slightly and his eyes fly open. He looks relieved. I ask how long I've been asleep and he says just overnight. He asks what happened and I ignore him, asking instead about the baby. He shakes his head. I curl myself into a ball and cry.

A Time When All Things Become Whole Again

I admit I have not been faithful to you, dearest log. So much has happened and I haven't had the time nor the energy to write all the events down in their entirety.

Madeleine and I have found a new home and I have found a person that, this weekend, I will commit to sharing my life with. He's a fantastic man and a wonderful father figure to my sweet baby girl. His family adores her. Madeleine deserves all of it and more.

Most importantly, he is incredibly kind to me and loves me unconditionally as I do him. He isn't the type of person I would normally go for at first glance, but I think he will be good for me in the long run.

I will admit, after my past experiences, being with someone that is stable is a refreshing change. We have a lovely home on the beach and, the most exciting thing of all, we are expecting a little one in seven months.

It was quite a shock to me, having been told prior by the doctor that delivered Madeleine, that I would never have any more children. I did not know if I was prepared to face that risk of having something inside of me depend on me fully.

I have broken all ties with my mother. After Norrin slammed her into a wall when she threatened to kill me, I doubt she will want to see me ever again and I much prefer it that way.

Now, on to the most interesting news. My father, Tyrion Raske, is alive. He revealed himself to me one night at The Broken Piano. Needless to say, I was shocked and hurt, but after explaining himself, I feel less angry at him. Sadly, he appears indifferent to Norrin. I hope his views change with time.

I am singing and playing the piano again. I have several fans which has lead to several new friendships.

Overall, I find myself content at the moment, but that urge to roam seems to niggling at me. I'm repressing the urges for now, but it's hard for me to settle down. For now, I will try to remain secure in the thought that I am loved.