Slander

The rage I am feeling cannot possibly be described. I have been accused of a most heinous act!

I was connected into The Summit yesterday and was speaking with another capsuleer about my pregnancy. I was asked how far along I was and Norrin spoke up. He has apparently been released from the asylum. I realized later that my month count was off, but regardless of that, he began raving about the attack I suffered a few months ago.

He is fully convinced that I planned the attack in order to have a miscarriage. He rambled on about getting justice. Several people pointed out to him that it was uncharacteristic of me to even fathom planning such a horrible act. He could not even provide any evidence to support his insane claims!

I am sure that he will not follow through on any course of vengeance. First of all, he is not capable of it and second, he would not even dare confront me in person. It will be forgotten and he will go about with his delusions of vengence and justice. I do pity him.

Horror

William's family is missing. I am horrified to think that not even a week ago, my dear, sweet Madeleine was living there. She is sleeping with her head rested in my lap. My little girl. I plan to keep her close now. She will soon have two little brothers. I cannot even bear to write more. The what ifs haunt me.

Burned

I do not know what drew me back to the beach house today. Perhaps I was just curious about how Norrin was doing. I had not heard from him since I left nor did I really expect to. I landed my ship at the small docking bay and took a shuttle down to the planet.

I walked slowly along the beach and watched the ocean waves roll in and out. As I approached the house where we used to live, my heart nearly stopped. I froze in my tracks. Where the house used to be was a pile of rubble, blackened. I blinked a few times to make sure I wasn't dreaming or imagining it.

A few workers were rummaging through the wood and moving it aside. I pulled the hood of my jacket up to obscure my face and moved closer to one of them, "What happened here?"

He looked up at me, a black mark across one of his cheeks, "The son. Went mad. Burned the place to the ground."

A lump formed in my throat, "Did he say anything?"

The man shrugged, "Not sure, miss. Just know his fiancee left him. Next thing we know, the place is up in flames and his parents institutionalised him."

"Institutionalised him?"

The man tried to peer under my hood, "Yes, miss. Mental institution."

I nodded firmly and turned my head away to look at the rubble again, "Thank you."

The man shrugged again and went back to work. I watched for a moment and then I walked away, head down.

As I walked I came to the realization that I was part of the cause of his mental breakdown. I didn't leave him to hurt him. I left him because he would be safer. I hoped he would move on and find someone more worthy of him. I suppose I was wrong.

So this is love....

The full moon reflects on the water as we sit on the terrace. I look over at him. His features are dark, almost mysterious, with secrets hidden beneath his eyes. He rises from his chair and stands in front of me, “Come dance with me.” He holds out his hand to me and I place my small hand into his. He pulls me to my feet and into his embrace. He leads the dance to unheard music, moving me slowly around.

One hand skims up my back to where dress gives way to flesh, tipping my chin up with a finger so my green eyes fix on his, “I love you.”

My soft, red lips curve into a smile and part ever so slightly, “And I love you.”

He lowers his head and brushes his lips across my full, lush mouth. Once. Twice. Three times. My eyes close, long lashes fanning out on my cheeks. He studies my face and murmurs, “Absolutely beautiful.” My eyes open slowly. He smiles down at me, “I cannot begin to describe my joy that you are carrying my children.”

I blush. A common reaction any time he gives me such lovely compliments, “As am I.”

We sway softly in the moonlight, his strong arms holding my body as if I would break. I twine my arms around his neck and rest my head on his chest, listening to his strong heartbeat. I feel his cheek come to rest on the top of my head. A small shiver of fear goes through my body at the thought of ever losing him, but I push it away and focus on that moment in the moonlight where we simply just belong to each other. A feeling of complete and utter contentment sweeps over me. We are so perfectly matched in our imperfect natures.

Healing

As I sit in the examination room, my heart begins to pound and questions begin to course through my head. Has my body truly healed from the attack? Will I be able to have children again? I sigh and fidget a bit in my chair. Unable to remain seated any longer, I get up and begin pacing the room. I stop abruptly as the door opens. The doctor enters and motions for me to sit again. He sits at his desk facing me.

"Ms. Raske. I am pleased to tell you that there was no lasting damage from the assault upon your person." He smiles at me.

I let out a breath and smile back, "Thank you so much, Doctor." I go to get up and he stops me.

"However, I have some interesting news for you." He pauses and hands me a datapad with my medical results on it. I quickly skim through them.

"Pregnant?!" I nearly drop it on the floor, "I'm pregnant? When is the baby due?"

He smiles again and chuckles, "Babies, Ms. Raske. You're pregnant with twins."

My mouth drops open, "Babies?" I place my hand over my abdomen.

The doctor's smile never leaves his face, "Yes, twins. Identical, according to our results. We should know the gender in a few weeks' time, should you wish to return then. We would like to monitor your condition closely and I would fully advise that you rest as much as possible. I assume this comes as a bit of a surprise?"

I nod, "Yes...it does. It's not what I was expecting to hear, but I'm sure that everything will be fine."

"And you have somewhere to go? Someone to take care of you?" He raises an eyebrow.

I smile softly at the thought, "Yes...I'm sure he will be thrilled with the news."

************************************************************

And I was correct. He was thrilled. I've never seen him so happy before. He's excited about being a father and cannot wait to raise our children together.

So, I am beginning to heal, both emotionally and physically. My heart is growing whole. In a way, I feel like my lost little boy has given me two reasons to live now. And while I will always wonder about the child I lost, I now have two more children to love and cherish.

Visiting

I'm sitting at William's estate, visiting with my sweet little girl, Madeleine. She is going on and on about how much fun she is having with William's children. She loves it here and wants to never leave. I smile because she's so happy. Since I took her from my mother's, she's been craving the company of other children.

She doesn't mention Norrin. I think my father spoke to her about it. I'm sure she misses him, but she's bounced back quickly with the new distractions. I hope I can find a place soon where we can live together in peace and comfort.

I should say more, but I still live in fear......

Late at night.....

I awake with the scream still in my throat. I curl into a ball, burying my face into the pillow. The tears come hot and fast as a pain rips through my heart. Flashbacks and memories. So much anguish. I'm haunted by visions of losing my son. Visions of my mother beating me, telling me it was all my fault. I'm shaking.

Soothing arms come around me, holding me close. My tears are wiped away and he tells me I'm safe. I come back to reality and slip back into a dreamless sleep wrapped in his arms.

Decisions

I pace the living room trying to decide what I should do. I have sent Madeleine away with my father until this evil man is caught, but I cannot protect Norrin. I'm not here all the time. He's too kind, too loving. He doesn't deserve this over his head. He needs someone with less baggage. I twirl my engagement ring around my finger before slowly slipping it off. I find a bit of paper and pen the words, "I'm sorry. I love you. Move on and be happy."

I place the note on the table with my engagement ring on top of it. Gathering a few things from upstairs, I quietly slip out. He'll be safe now.

My Little Boy

I'm awake in the middle of the night again with no comfort to be found. I don't know how I can continue to be strong without reverting back to my former self. I had hoped that life was left behind when I had Madeleine. I stopped carrying weapons and tried to maintain a low profile. I never bothered anyone and, for the most part, people never bothered me. I reinvented myself, drawing on all the skills my mother drilled into me as a child. Some of them I began to fully enjoy, like playing the piano and singing. I think it's because this time I could sing what I wanted. I had freedom.

He took that from me. Why couldn't he just let me be? I was nothing to him! The lack of motivation is what confuses me. Now, my body is empty. The little life that was once thriving has vanished in an instant. I ache to feel those little movements, only reserved for me. He will never run, play, laugh, or love. I will never nourish him at my breast or watch him grow. I cannot even cry. The numbness is all consuming.

I feel myself hardening against the world. A part of me wants to send Madeleine away to protect her. My father would take her in an instant. My tormentor still believes him to be dead. Maybe I will. She doesn't deserve this. I wonder if she would be better off...... And Norrin....my sweet, kind fiancé. He valiantly offered to hunt the man down that killed our child. I couldn't let him. He has never seen combat. Never seen what people like this are capable of....

I carry two weapons now. A blaster left to me by Eliza and my knife, a hidden gift from my father. My skills are rusty. I practice when I can, mostly in secret. If he touches me again, he will pay for it with his life.

Sleepless Nights *ENCRYPTED ENTRY*

These song lyrics play over and over in my head: "But tonight I'm gonna give in one last time
Rock you strong in these arms of mine
Forget all the regrets that are bound to follow
We're like fire and gasoline
I'm no good for you
You're no good for me
We only bring each other tears and sorrow
But tonight, I'm gonna love you like there's no tomorrow....."


I lay awake staring at the ceiling. I mutter to myself, "This won't do at all." I roll out of bed and wander outside to stare at the ocean waves crashing on the beach in the moonlight. My thoughts travel to places that they should not even dare to go. I run my hand over my now empty abdomen. Tears slowly slip down my cheeks. The pain is unbearable.

I want to run away from it all. Madeleine is safely away with my father. He asked to take her for a few days to bond more with her. I'm sure Norrin is out working, trying to forget everything that has happened. I'm left all alone.

I wander back into the moonlit living room, not bothering to turn on any lights. I find my datapad and run my fingers over it. Should I? No! I throw it on the couch and pace back and forth. I make my way to the window where my flower has slightly wilted over. I graze it with my fingertips and sigh. This cannot continue. I have to know. I scoop up my datapad and head back to the bedroom. I dress in my normal attire and shrug on my coat. I catch the first shuttle to The Broken Piano.

**********

I walk in, slightly wincing as I feel the pain from several bruises I got when I fell to the concrete shuttle bay floor. My throat still stings. The doctors assured me I would make a full recovery and would sing again. Thank the gods for that.

As always, there is William, standing behind the bar, sipping his cup of tea and observing everyone. I consider him a good friend and respect his opinion greatly. One look at my neck and he's questioning me on what has happened, requesting I take a personal security drone from now on. He asks the name of the man who did this to me. I refuse to tell him, but promise that I will think about it. This answer seems to satisfy him. Still, his eyes maintain that knowing look. I request to speak with him privately and we talk of life and love. He reveals his recent observations to me and I neither confirm nor deny anything. I question him about Norrin's hasty departure two nights ago and he shrugs and gives me more cryptic answers about him not liking what he was implying. I can understand that. Not everyone gets William's type of philosophy on life.

He offers me a bottle of wine as a gift. To share with friends or family, he says. More cryptic words. He knows exactly who pops into my mind first. I thank him and we leave his office, heading back out to the bar. I send off a quick message and the reply comes instantly. I glance up at William, standing there with his all knowing looks. I murmur something about having to go and he nods. I exit the bar and head off to the unknown.

I Feel Him There

As I walk from The Broken Piano to the shuttle bay, I am met with an eerie feeling. Someone is there. He has found me again. I speed up my pace but it is too late. He moves swiftly, grabbing me by the throat. I struggle in vain.

He pulls a knife, "You should have been more careful, Lasairiona. I may not have managed to kill your last brat, but I will kill this one." I gasp as I recognize the voice. It's useless to plead. His eyes are hard. His mind determined, "Precocious little slut."

My world is spinning. I can feel myself losing consciousness. I'm cursing myself and trying to fight. I dig my nails into his hand as hard as I can. He yelps and I fall to the floor.

There is one thought on my mind. Run! I stumble to my feet. I hear a loud crack and a burning pain erupts over my back. No, stupid girl! Run! RUN! I ignore the pain and dive into a shuttle. The operator stares in horror and shouts, "SECURITY!" My abdomen contracts and I sob, "No!" The world fades to black.

I wake up in bed at home. My father asleep by my bedside. Everything hurts. I moan slightly and his eyes fly open. He looks relieved. I ask how long I've been asleep and he says just overnight. He asks what happened and I ignore him, asking instead about the baby. He shakes his head. I curl myself into a ball and cry.

A Time When All Things Become Whole Again

I admit I have not been faithful to you, dearest log. So much has happened and I haven't had the time nor the energy to write all the events down in their entirety.

Madeleine and I have found a new home and I have found a person that, this weekend, I will commit to sharing my life with. He's a fantastic man and a wonderful father figure to my sweet baby girl. His family adores her. Madeleine deserves all of it and more.

Most importantly, he is incredibly kind to me and loves me unconditionally as I do him. He isn't the type of person I would normally go for at first glance, but I think he will be good for me in the long run.

I will admit, after my past experiences, being with someone that is stable is a refreshing change. We have a lovely home on the beach and, the most exciting thing of all, we are expecting a little one in seven months.

It was quite a shock to me, having been told prior by the doctor that delivered Madeleine, that I would never have any more children. I did not know if I was prepared to face that risk of having something inside of me depend on me fully.

I have broken all ties with my mother. After Norrin slammed her into a wall when she threatened to kill me, I doubt she will want to see me ever again and I much prefer it that way.

Now, on to the most interesting news. My father, Tyrion Raske, is alive. He revealed himself to me one night at The Broken Piano. Needless to say, I was shocked and hurt, but after explaining himself, I feel less angry at him. Sadly, he appears indifferent to Norrin. I hope his views change with time.

I am singing and playing the piano again. I have several fans which has lead to several new friendships.

Overall, I find myself content at the moment, but that urge to roam seems to niggling at me. I'm repressing the urges for now, but it's hard for me to settle down. For now, I will try to remain secure in the thought that I am loved.

Torn

I'm not sure how to explain what is going on inside me. I was crushed when Esna told me he had another. I won't lie about that. How I could find someone again and so quickly baffles me a bit. I am still a bit on edge, but it does feel right in some ways. I haven't been treated like this before. So gentle and so respected. I'm used to being taken, used, and thrown aside.

We walked in the gardens next to The Broken Piano. We kissed under the stars. It was like a dream.

I worry I'm letting myself get attached too quickly. The wall is still up, but I can feel it crumbling. I hope I do not get hurt this time.

One Year Later

Coming back to these logs feels like I'm coming back to an old friend. Last I updated, Madeleine had just been born. Now, she is one year old. I have reconnected with my mother and sisters. Madeleine is fully enjoying her time with her cousins. I have left her on Teonusude with my family as I am working for my mother now and it just is not safe for her to travel the cluster with me anymore.

I withdrew from most of my friends and acquaintances for some time to focus on Madeleine. I was not surprised when one of them had moved on. I had hoped we would have a future together. Silly of me to assume he would wait for me. Of course I have been hurt before, but this pain was different than all the others. Different than the first time I was left alone and starving in a station. Again, I will overcome this pain as I have always done, but I do not know how long it will take.

Others have moved on as well. The Broken Piano is much quieter than it used to be. I miss the hustle and bustle of times passed.

I met a new friend as well. He seems very nice and I hope to have many more conversations with him in the future.

I have given myself a bit of a makeover. I feel that my old style was a bit too carefree. I am content with something more distinguished.

I hope to keep up these logs more diligently. Until next time then.